Saturday, June 30, 2012

Summer Days

Home is a place I consider to be comfortable and without worry. A place where you can run to to retreat from the world and all that it pulls from you. Home is where your family resides and where you can cry comfortably because it is your place. A place that embraces you no matter what form you are in.

I'm having a difficult time being away from my home. 425 Harvig Avenue. An address that brings me so much joy and longing. I find it funny that I love that place so much when I've lived outside of that house much longer than I have lived in it. Every year I moved further and further from it and every passing year I grow closer and more attached to it. I'm angry that I can't live there and enjoy life with family and support.

My beautiful porch.

When I was young I imagined that my college years would be the best years of my life and I would flawlessly transition into my career and I would love every minute. I thought my career would be extremely rewarding and I could get through the tough times because I would know that shortly I would see the fruits of everything that was happening.

Reality is different. It is difficult to explain.
This summer has brought me into a slump of feelings. I can't entirely untangle what is going on, but I've been trying to put words to what exactly is happening. My clinic time is not as rewarding as I thought it would be. Well, at least at this clinic rotation. I do feel like I am changing lives by helping them regain quality of life. Yes, that is very rewarding, but the working conditions are stressing me out completely. I can't enjoy helping others when I'm worried about being repromanded for microscopic details. I am also exhausted with working for free. While I do feel like I am not at the point of being independent, I do feel as if I'm doing quality work that deserves soem type of financial compensation. That's graduate school though. That's life. I don't understand how individuals support themselves while working over 40 hours a week without pay. I especially do not know how they do it with children included. It's embarrassing borrowing money. It's embarrassing knowing that others know you are having difficulties and you won't be able to repay them soon, if not years from now.

I know that what I'm doing is for the right reasons and that I will eventually be able to get rewarded for being so dilligent at setting my life up, but is it selfish for me to what some kind of short relief? There's so much going on that I can't even catch my breath.

I feel as if I'm running everyday only for the sun to look at me and say keep running you can't have rest, you can't have water. You can get rewarded when you're too old to run.

I'm also at a standstill with where I'm going to be in August to start my fourth year in clinic.
No one is fighting for me. I'm tired of advocating.

I don't know where I'll be or where I'll have Gavin. I have no idea how we're going to do it. I could be here driving 2 hours to clinic again like I did a few months ago or I could be back home. I pray that I'll get the spot back home. I would give anything to be back there.

I don't understand how Mike and I are doing everything right and by the book, yet things get darker everyday. Where are the youthful fun times him and I are suppose to be diving into.

Reality is unfair.

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