Saturday, June 30, 2012

Summer Days

Home is a place I consider to be comfortable and without worry. A place where you can run to to retreat from the world and all that it pulls from you. Home is where your family resides and where you can cry comfortably because it is your place. A place that embraces you no matter what form you are in.

I'm having a difficult time being away from my home. 425 Harvig Avenue. An address that brings me so much joy and longing. I find it funny that I love that place so much when I've lived outside of that house much longer than I have lived in it. Every year I moved further and further from it and every passing year I grow closer and more attached to it. I'm angry that I can't live there and enjoy life with family and support.

My beautiful porch.

When I was young I imagined that my college years would be the best years of my life and I would flawlessly transition into my career and I would love every minute. I thought my career would be extremely rewarding and I could get through the tough times because I would know that shortly I would see the fruits of everything that was happening.

Reality is different. It is difficult to explain.
This summer has brought me into a slump of feelings. I can't entirely untangle what is going on, but I've been trying to put words to what exactly is happening. My clinic time is not as rewarding as I thought it would be. Well, at least at this clinic rotation. I do feel like I am changing lives by helping them regain quality of life. Yes, that is very rewarding, but the working conditions are stressing me out completely. I can't enjoy helping others when I'm worried about being repromanded for microscopic details. I am also exhausted with working for free. While I do feel like I am not at the point of being independent, I do feel as if I'm doing quality work that deserves soem type of financial compensation. That's graduate school though. That's life. I don't understand how individuals support themselves while working over 40 hours a week without pay. I especially do not know how they do it with children included. It's embarrassing borrowing money. It's embarrassing knowing that others know you are having difficulties and you won't be able to repay them soon, if not years from now.

I know that what I'm doing is for the right reasons and that I will eventually be able to get rewarded for being so dilligent at setting my life up, but is it selfish for me to what some kind of short relief? There's so much going on that I can't even catch my breath.

I feel as if I'm running everyday only for the sun to look at me and say keep running you can't have rest, you can't have water. You can get rewarded when you're too old to run.

I'm also at a standstill with where I'm going to be in August to start my fourth year in clinic.
No one is fighting for me. I'm tired of advocating.

I don't know where I'll be or where I'll have Gavin. I have no idea how we're going to do it. I could be here driving 2 hours to clinic again like I did a few months ago or I could be back home. I pray that I'll get the spot back home. I would give anything to be back there.

I don't understand how Mike and I are doing everything right and by the book, yet things get darker everyday. Where are the youthful fun times him and I are suppose to be diving into.

Reality is unfair.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

I've decided that I'm not very productive about producing regular blogs. Actually I'm quite bad at this whole lets write down everything that spills into our minds at every second phase that our culture has adopted. I'm going to try to be better. I think I need to be better at that for the sake of my sanity.

Clinic is completely destroying me.

It's teaching me an extremely valuable lesson in life and while I would like to divulge every gruesome aspect about how I wish I was already done with my degree, that would be in poor taste professionally. I've never had a clinic placement that was anywhere near this placement.

Living up North depresses me. This will never be home.

While I do love living in our farm house in the country and spending hours mowing our lawn and keeping up with everything, this place is depressing me in just about every aspect. Financially we are barely treading above water paying for two homes and the responsibilities of the bills that come with two lives. I've only met one person here. She's a very nice lady named Margaret who lives down the road and cooks us  upside down cake. She's about 85 and very spunky.  I know no one else except for Mike and Gavin. My lovely boys. Although I do not have much down time since I work 10 hour unpaid shifts at the hospital.

The only thing that put my mind at ease today was going grocery shopping and cleaning the kitchen floor. At least I have control of that aspect of my life. And there's my beautiful Ham bone who tells me every minute that it doesn't matter if I'm a doctor or not because I'm his mom. Who couldn't be reminded of that with this face?

I really really do not want to make this a whining blog or a place where I just smear my thoughts like eyeliner. I do want to remind myself how lucky I am to have the opportunity to finish school, have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, and a life that provides me the opportunity for happiness.  I;m just in a tizzy as of late with feeling the pressure that comes with working for free and still being a student.

Life is interesting sometimes.