I've been contemplating the complexities of life lately, millions of ideas that swirl around my head like dazzling stars in a vacuum. I've come to the realization that everyone needs help and guidance. That everyone around me is conflicted in some way and burdened with their own heart breaking situations. Then tonight while I was snuggling with Gavin and listening to him giggle over the pooties that are dancing out of his belly and into the air, I realized that it is all temporary. For the most part temporary. Everything that you've worried about at one given point in time gets better or doesn't and you find resolve somewhere. It all gets completed like it should. My optimistic side says that it gets better.
I was chatting with my parents on the way home from dinner about the amount of resolve in my life that has happened in the past couple of years. How convoluted things were for my family just a few short years ago.
A little over two years ago I was living up north in a house that wasn't mine that we were desperately trying to make ends meet in. I was starting my fourth year residency, with a one year old, living and paying for two houses on a starting troopers salary. I remember having to call my parents. They were amazed I was calling in the afternoon because I was supposed to be at work. I explained to them I had to call into work because I didn't have gas to get there and that our current babysitter was giving up and that we had no money for daycare. We were forty dollars overdrawn. We hadn't been grocery shopping in weeks and that I was thankful we were still getting formula on WIC.
As any parent would be, they were extremely worried and mad at me for not letting them in on our situation earlier. I'm pretty sure I heard them putting on their shoes and driving to the bank to transfer money as I was talking. That was a trying and humiliating day for other reasons need not be explained.
I look back on that day now and laugh mildly. I was so lost then in so many ways. I would have never guess that fast forward two years and I would have a position as a clinical audiologist in a respected clinic in southern Illinois that actually paid me money to work there. That Mike would be transferred home a year and a half after that day and we would be seeing each other daily. You couldn't have convinced me that I would be having another baby boy to love and worry over in the coming months. The only thing I was concentrating and trying to be centered on was on how to keep it together in the quicksand that was currently dumping on us at an exponential rate. I wouldn't have believed you if you said that things would eventually turn out ok, better than ok. That I would be happy and enjoy common things I was no longer enjoying at the time. I couldn't think about that because I thought that time in my life was a stage that would last until the end of eternity. I'd never get through my capstone. I'd never have days off with Mike. I'd never not feel tired after work, so tired that all I could do was feed and bath Gavin and rock us both to sleep.
I think we get that way sometimes. We put on our blinders and get lost in the bad things in life. We seem to get so bogged down in them that we don't realize that many of them are temporary.
That if we just keep hoping.
That if we keep being strong.
The darkness fades.
It may take days or years but we have to keep fighting for what is right and good in our life. We need to keep our mind clear and not let it get clouded with tainted judgment or things that we want just because we want instant gratification. Gratification and happiness comes as rewards for dedication. It doesn't happen over night. Eventually over time this gratification comes and complications in life come to an end.
Don't give up.
Don't give in.