Thursday, August 14, 2014

Wandering Polarities

a :  lodestone
: a magnetic rock
:  magnetite possessing polarity
:  something that strongly attracts
b :  a body having the property of attracting iron and producing a magnetic field external to itself; specifically :  a mass of iron, steel, or alloy that has this property artificially imparted. Something that attracts <a box-office magnet

The polarity between two people and what makes them attract has to be opposing. A north and a south pole, a negative and positive. People only work together when they differ. Although this polarity is what makes them attract, it only works within proximity. When the physical or emotional distance between these two plates varies greatly, the magnetic field no longer intertwines. The poles just drift in space in hopes of one day cycling through themselves to find that magnetic attraction again.
I call this separation stealth mode. Every long and short lasting relationship goes through cycles of stealth mode. When they feel threatened or want to hide due to the extenuating circumstances at hand. When they feel lost from one another.
Stealth mode: An aircraft-design characteristic consisting of oblique angular construction and avoidance of vertical surfaces that is intended to produce a very weak radar return.
Or as I like to refer to it as wandering polarities.
I've went through this, more than likely we all have. Mike and I are one of the lucky few. We survived. I often feel like this is the main point in which most don't survive. I'm deeply sorry if you are reading this and you weren't so lucky and/ or if you are still a wandering polarity. I want to tell you that it is easy and that you will get out of it soon, but that's what's tough about the whole situation. You're wandering through space in stealth mode expecting the other polarity to magically collide with you even though you've spent so much time trying to hide yourself from them either intentionally or unintentionally.
It's a slippery slope really, wandering polarities. They don't just drift apart suddenly. There are series of events that lead up to cast aways. Maybe there were years of hurting each other, personal emotional crisis, or life just happened all at once. I don't think it is ever really intentional or that any one single couple can help this.
The point is that you have to run through quicksand towards each other to regain your magnetic field. Even if it hurts and you're tired.  
Before Mike and I were married we were counseled by the wonderful man that married us, Bud Sork. He had recently lost his beloved wife and was going through a very trying time when he counseled us. I remember sitting at his kitchen table in Eldorado. He was drying dishes and gathering his thoughts about what exactly he wanted us to know about marriage in relationships in that one sitting. I'm sure he could have written a book, but the one thing he turned around and said to us was this.
You will have good days, excellent days where you revel in everything you have between yourselves. When you feel invincible to outside temptation and demolition. These days will be equally if not unequally matched with days where you want to get in your car and go to the gas station up the street and fill it up. Then take off driving in the opposing direction. You'll want to drive all night until you run out of gas and when that happens you'll take off running as fast as you can until you can't run anymore only to feel like you still aren't far enough from her (he was looking at Mike). He then stopped and sighed and said whatever you do don't do it. Fight that temptation with all you have because the feeling will pass. One day you'll deeply regret ever feeling that temptation. One day either of you may not have the other to hug.
It's been almost six years since this conversation was offered to me. Though brief, it is a powerful one.

While those words did not originate from me. I offer them to everyone.
Love your other half.
Especially if they are in stealth mode,
Fight for them and find them.

If you are the wandering polarity,
Shake yourself and have a long discussion with your opposite.
Make it known that you need help pulling yourself back in.
Beg them for guidance and a map on how to get back.

Sunday, August 10, 2014


Jealousy is something that never goes away. I don't think it does for anyone. I try to humble myself and be thankful for what I have accomplished and what I do have, but occasionally I still revert back to my eight year old self. The one who has a plain paper folder on the first day of school with the same backpack as last year while the three girls around her all have Lisa Frank. The eight year old who is upset with their parents because they've never had a pair of sandals or freshly new bought pair of shorts. We didn't do that, we got practical pieces of clothing that were not season specific as to be able to wear them year round. That adolescent feeling comes back to me. It tells me to be upset with myself. While I do blame myself for letting jealousy get the best of me, I do think it is something that a first world country engrains in its consumers. You need better, more expensive, and it will bring you happiness. In all honesty it doesn't and I know that.
Another source of this problem is social media. Everyone is putting on a show of what their lives are like when they update a post or a photo. They want people to know that their life is great. They want others to be envious, isn't that only the natural way to feel better? Parading your life in the best times on the internet so you can convince everyone that it is indeed exactly like those photos?
I don't think this is always intentional. I think it is only natural to say hey, I'm happy look at my happiness and share!
I used to be really bad about jealousy. It consumed me. In my early twenties I was a completely irrational person who was chronically angry. I was a black and white thinker and was under the impression that their was no free lunch.
I thought everyone worked equally and after much hard work and dedication that we would all be rewarded equally. I was a naïve idiot.
College changed this perception very quickly. I saw students who had never worked a day in their life and didn't bother to show up to class only to graduate in the same line I did. Students who graduated to boob jobs, brand new sports cars, and financial support from all angles.
I once in undergrad had a fellow student come up to me and say, "Hey, the funniest thing happened this morning. I saw a girl driving this ugly blue old dodge caravan to Carbondale and she looked exactly like you. Isn't that weird?"
I never told her it was me because I knew she was making fun of my inability to wish for material things only to have them materialize. I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of knowing that that van was paid for by my two of my siblings, me, and Mike because that was really the only available option at the time when the transmission went out of Mike's truck.
My mind gets very clouded when I feel like my hard work doesn't seem hard enough. When I get to view small glimpses of others lives that seem like they have it all. When their families seem so cohesive and happiness comes without effort.
It isn't just material things that I see that give me unexplainable jealousy. It can be really anything. It can be a simple status about how good and perfect someone's children have been, while I have spent hours with Gavin screaming and kicking me because he's mad I won't let him drink lemonade before bed.
It can be a picture of a very important life event where the individuals in the picture look perfect, like a wedding day. While I know nothing is ever perfect, it makes me reflect on my own experiences. It draws me back to negativity. I for example, think of how the morning of my wedding was filled with turmoil over the grooms mother explaining to him that I was not the right person for him and that our marriage would never last. That it would be filled with infidelity like most marriages are and that it would be cheaper to call everything off than to have to pay for a divorce. Then in the same breath coming into my changing room to tell me how beautiful I am. (Words can not express how much this woman has altered my suppose to be perfect moments. I'm sure I will eventually write a non politically correct anger post that directly relates to her). Anyway back on track.  
I hate jealousy and the feelings of inadequacy it gives me as a person, professional, and as a parent.
I sincerely apologize if my social media posts have ever been a culprit for jealousy. I am truly not trying to convince anyone that I or my life is perfect. I want you all to know that I genuinely love everyone who is a friend of mine and if their is anything that I can do to help. Please reach out to me.
I hope that as I get older these feelings of jealousy will get less and less frequent as I mature. If you are struggling with them as well. Try to remember that everyone's life has a unique situation. That what we perceive isn't always reality. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially for me.