Friday, May 26, 2017

I've not always been one to openly admit when something is wrong. I'm the type of thinker who powers through and self motivates even when I am pulling around a thousand pound anchor. I go at full speed with my head down until it is over. Then I collapse and applaude myself for what I accomplished even if it was at the expense of myself or my body. It's a sickness, it really is. I've never been one to break down and say, "I need help" or "I'm struggling." Right now though, I'm struggling. I'm three months post op and released from my neurosurgeon pending I have no new symptoms. I'm still struggling with good and bad days. Some days I walk reasonably straight and can deal with the pain and I'm ok. Then there are days like today when I look like my hips are two inches off center and I walk like the hunchback. Days when I have foot numbness and feel like I can't get home quick enough to be horizontal.
I really felt like a few weeks ago I was making stride in my recovery. My bad days were gettign smaller and I had been a few weeks without numbness on the top of my foot and toe. Then I got rear ended as an innocent stop sign and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I had no idea what was going on until I'm shoved in a lane of traffic and the driver of the vehicle is asking me if I'm ok. Immediately I didn't feel hurt and refused ambulance, but did have a nurse at my office bring me to the ER. It was there everything started to set in and I started feeling sick. I went through several cat scans to ensure my neck and spine were where they needed to me. I laid in a neck collar in bed while I waited. After an hour in the ER it started to sink in that I could potentially be looking at an additional back surgery and being off work. The thought grew in grew in me until i started having anxiety attacks. I've never had an anxiety problem. I've never had an attack and really thought I couldn't breathe and everything escalated from there. I was scared about an additional surgery and scared because I couldn't breathe because I was in so much pain. I had three separate events like that before I left the ER. I was sent for chest imaging to ensure everything was ok. After we found out that the CT scans just showed whiplash and some other incidental findings, I felt very embarrassed about throwing myself into such a frenzy.  It isn't everyday you have uncontrollable fasciculations and feeling like you have 1000 pounds on top of you. Its a scary feeling.

Since then I have had some pretty wicked muscular difficulties. Shoulders, neck, shoulder blade and back have been so unhappy. I'm been trying to push through telling myself that it is all muscle strain and it will ease with time. Tension headaches are rough. Also since then, I've been having chest pains when I push things too hard. If I get busy at work and have a high load of people. I'll get the familiar burning in my chest and I have to tell myself it is anxiety and talk myself down.

It is very strange to me that that is my current mental state as I have tried to remain fairly positive and just keep trying to push through. Try to get back onto a routine.

This week has been especially thought though. I have had a high patient load and an after work meeting one day with a doctors appt another and the boys have not been letting me sleep. Today marks a bad day.

No comments:

Post a Comment