Monday, March 13, 2017

I woke up mad today.

It's been just over four weeks since back surgery. I'm finally fully out of the pain management cloud and my mind is settling in on itself. I visited with Neuro last week and am probably going to return to work in about three weeks with restrictions. I'm pretty happy to be going back to work and getting into some type of routine again. I like when things are predictable and manageable. Not to mention, I will be happy to be contributing to my families income once again. Mike went back to work a couple weeks after surgery, so I have been handling these minions by myself or with my parents help since. That's been a pretty large struggle in itself as they don't have the capacity to care about anyone else's needs, but their own. This is what they are supposed to do, but it has been filled with incredibly difficult days and exhausted and painful nights for me. Remaining calm, cool, and collected hasn't been happening and for that I apologize to them daily. 
This surgery has been dizzying for me and sobering at times. After the initial pain and reducing the opiate cloud around me, I'm left with what my next chapter has to offer. I've been dealing with the reality of what all of this means to me and how I'm going to cope with it hereafter. All of the activities that have graciously offered me stress relief as the sacrifice of my body are now contraindicated. I woke up today with so much anger and hate that I just can't work through my daily routine. It might be tied to that fact that I haven't been sleeping and my diet is very very poor these days. 

Last year I decided I needed to join a gym in order to work on myself as well as integrate with people my own age. I needed a group of others that I could relate with. I would share in the same activities as them and feel good about myself for getting out there. Prior to this I was stuck in a rut of working and caring for my children on my own due to Mike's work schedule. Overtime I became a ticking time bomb having to carry all of the responsibilities of work, home, children and our finances. I decided then that I had to do something for myself. I actually started with spiritual en devours to try to integrate myself with a church community and to get closer to God, but that situation was rejected after weeks and weeks of trying. The boys weren't comfortable in any church setting we put them in and in the end it ended with me crying outside of a service holding one of them and the other asking why he was being punished by being there. After that experience and a bad vacation months later I decided I needed other women. Other mothers who were probably going through similar struggles or who were trying to better themselves for one reason or another. I signed up for the gym. The gym was perfect as it provided all the community I needed in order to feel more balanced with life and less like a ticking time bomb. Don't get me wrong, I still spent plenty of time crying over who was going to watch our boys, late night meetings at work, and the everyday grind. I often had to bring them with me to the gym and spend an added 20 minutes setting up playards, getting juice, changing diapers etc. 

It all went away with a drill of 60 squat snatches or burpees until I wanted to puke.
 It strips you down to a place you've never been before. 
It shaves you down to almost pure vulnerability in order for a phoenix to rise out of you.

 Other women I came in contact with would discuss this gym with me as if they felt like it was something they could never do. I explained to them what they could achieve. I explained to them that it was a place they could and would belong if they tried because in a life of feeling like you've never found your place, it is comforting to find it somewhere unexpected. 

When I found out that I had blown out my back, I instantly knew that my journey with this group was over before it even really got started. I had so many plans for myself and so many goals that made me feel like a productive human and not just a mother and a career. Now my membership will never be renewed and I've lost my connection with the others. Others would talk to me and try to lift me up by telling me about how I'll come back stronger and I'll work through this, but in all reality, I won't. 
The competition that Mike and I signed up for last fall is coming in less than a week and I couldn't be more excited for him and how great he will be, but the other part of me is increasingly sad because I can't be there to die along right beside him. Him and I no longer share that common ground either as an interest point of activity and conversation. It's hard to keep that connection between your peers when you can't engage in the same type of activity. It's isolating. 

The last week/ Today I have been so mad about all of this. I'm trying to understand why me? What am I to gain and learn from all of this? Where do I go from here?

1 comment:

  1. Cristin, you have such a distorted vision of yourself. From this one physical injury, you see failure, I see one of the most productive, brilliant, loving, careing human persons that I have ever known. I know your journey and I see it much clearer than you oviously do. I know how you got where you and Mike are. I am aware of the battle, then and now. So you may never compete in a physical arena, you can hold your own in any other way that you choose. I know it has been hard, but you have a strong support network, even if you don't feel like it at the present time. You are almost over the hump now. It's ok to be mad. That will pass. Just don't be bitter. That can make you old and ugly. You are very loved. GMA