Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Sometimes it's hard to accept that we change. We grow from the people we used to be and are guided through many life situations that we were ill prepared . We are pulled through events that we never wanted to happen. We weep and get tired with responsibilities and we lose our carefree nature. We misplace our internal fire that keeps us waging on like a knight battling with our head reared back and heels kicked in.

We simply grow.
 We change. 

I have had many instances where I felt my life tilting for better or worse. Many times I can pin point the exact second where I know that things are never going to be the same after this split second. But then there are the times when I don't expect it, I look up after what I think are mere instances of non focused attention to find that I have had my head down in this area of life for years. I turn my attention up to find I look different, my clothes fit differently, and I am not the vibrant thing I once was. If that were ever true in the beginning. I have had several moments of clarity in the past year. 

Each moment starts off the same. 

A carefree gathering in order to bring together friends that have not connected with in quite some time. The timing is always perfect for a night away with my dearest to enjoy friends that have been almost forgotten over the past decade. All the right elements are present in order to have an enjoyable time, but something always tilts against me. At the onset of the event, I immediately know that the gathering is not the event I have built up in my mind for the previous week,  but I always stay out of respect for the host. It is usually the only night I've had away from children in quite some time. The only night to have a shimmer of hope for little to no responsibilities. 

Do you ever show up to an event and immediately feel like the oldest, most square and unapproachable person there? It happens to me more often than I'd care to admit. It has nothing to do with age, but everything to do with being carefree (or not carefree?) and losing inhibitions, which I have baskets full.  

I suppose there comes a time in every persons, especially every mothers life, when one no longer feels relevant. When daily career goals along with child rearing are not only important things in life, but certainly are the only things in your life. You can't relate to many of the people at the gathering. You have no idea what is relevant in news and pop culture because that time of your day is preoccupied with responsible activity. A stranger inquires about your hobbies to which you giggle because who really has hobbies, who has the time? You end up sitting by yourself or worse, in the group but nothing to offer the conversation because you can't relate. 

Over the past seven years, I have been concentrating all my focus and attention on some very important details of my life. Holding together to persevere. I've forgotten what it was to look up and see what was happening. That the person I once was, is no longer there. The immature, silly, talkative girl who would randomly dance at the drop of a hat and wear whatever seemed crazy has grown and changed. She's now permanently furrowed. Worried about who gets fed. About who picks up who and if baths are taken. The sense of who she is has faded away into labels for who she has become. 

Herself as a single entity no longer exists. 
She is only relevant to the few who are under 3 feet tall. 

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